Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.