The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.