History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.