Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.