Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!