What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?