I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
To get to the other tide.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.