Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
To get to the other tide.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!