What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.