She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes