Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.