To get to the other tide.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.