What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!