Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
To get to the other tide.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.