Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.