Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins