I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.