Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.