Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
To get to the other tide.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal