Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...