My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"