What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference