The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
To get to the other tide.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.