History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X