Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal