Roommate

Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
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