If Jokes

You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
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