His Jokes

I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
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