Her Jokes

Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
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