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Her

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater.
Patches was a great cat.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
You're so ugly when your wife takes you to the beach they ask her what she used for bait.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What girl likes it in all her holes at the same time?
Mrs. Potato Head.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."