You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
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