“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
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