This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.

Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.

How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.

How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.

What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.

The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.

Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.

I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.

Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.

When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.

What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."

I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!

What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.

A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”

What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"

How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!

Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.

What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Hope you’re wide open on [date].

“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde

I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout

Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.

When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.

Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.

Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!

Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.

Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers

How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger

The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.