You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
You're quite the catch, baby.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
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