Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
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