What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
Whatever floats your goat.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Better read than dead.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
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