It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
"You can't sip with us."
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
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