"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
You are so right. And I am so left.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Give me some pigskin
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
I would give anything to be your personal item.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
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