I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
My love for you is like no otter.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
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