Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Dublin over in laughter.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
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