What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
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