What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
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