Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
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