What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
We are perfect balance for each other.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
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