What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
I love you berry much.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
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