There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
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