Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
"Read between the wines."
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Icy what you did there!
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
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