I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Bad puns are how eye roll.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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