Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Salty but sweet.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
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