Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
"There's no bunny like you."
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
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