What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
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