Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Your lab or my lab?
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
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