I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.

Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.

What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!

Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien

How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.

What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi

What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."

Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.

What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.

What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.

What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.

The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.

What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo

It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!

What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet

Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."

Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.

The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.

I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.

Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.

I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.

What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!

What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.

What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.

Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!