All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Tis the sea-sun.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
We like to paddy.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Metaphors be with you.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
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