What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Your good weed for the day.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
The snuggle is real.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
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