The goal nine yards
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
I love you dairy much.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
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