What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
He’s an elf-made man.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
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