Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Icy what you did there.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
I read dead people.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
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