Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
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