Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Can’t pinch this.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
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