I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Ah! The element of surprise.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
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