What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
You met all of my koala-fications
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
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