I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"Time wounds all heels."
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I can score from multiple positions.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I really like you. So does my wife.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
I have the final sleigh.
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