Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Water you doing, my friend?
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
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